Success

This Monday, after waking up an hour away from school and 20 minutes into class, I conceded defeat on making it there. As I rushed to get my things together, with several items not making it onto my foggy mental checklist and remaining at my parents for the next few days, I began to will myself to appeal to Yahweh for what my opinion should be, and to question the day as to its direction. My will finally overcame came the cerebral sea smoke draining from my eyes and made the connection I was after once I was a few miles down the road. "Success," is what I heard. Well, success I can do! So Monday I was successful. I searched for success, acted as if all things that occurred were a result of success, and succeeded at succeeding. I went to bed that night knowing full well that operation success was a success. I woke up Tuesday morning to the haunting-yet-gentle-to-wake-to sound of the X-files theme song per usual, and before I had even managed to convince my phone to stop playing the magnificent series' leitmotif, I heard, "success." "This cannot be," I admonished myself. "Success was yesterday, so today is likely failure... possibly it's winning or some other close synonym, but surely not success. I think dino-nugs."

     *SPOILER: Tuesday was not about dino-nugs.

It was, in fact, success. Following my self-chastisement for an idea that was not even my own and in fact was a truth I insulted, it became clear to me that the same thing can be true for two days, several days, all days, or a second. As I pondered my ill-informed pontification that had only just occurred, I came to a startling revelation. Well, two revelations: First, I needed to get out of bed as time had proven yet again to have neither the patience nor courtesy to wait for me, despite my proximity to the meaning of life. Second, coming to this understanding of what could be what when and how and where was, to use a familiar noun, a success! So went my day, and I realized that what Yahweh has intended for me this week is to succeed. Not only that, but to see success where everyone else sees failure; to be successful where nobody else can; and most importantly, to succeed at changing my opinion to fit that of His. Tuesday night. Lost my wallet. Success. This morning, cannot go to the gym from lack of wallet. Success. Receiving my exam and learning that my grade was, we'll say, unique. Success. And I assure you, I struggled at many points, but also always came out truly feeling successful! What a better feeling than failure. I have my wallet now, it was on the porch where I ate unimaginably delectable beer brat's that my brother made for us. Poor quality image below, but trust my description, not my phone's camera resolution.



Such exquisite tastiness. Finally, I went on a tour of a Merck branch right near where I work yesterday. During the tour, questions about job opportunities, advice for getting a job as a PhD, etc. were often brought up. What really stuck with me was the awkwardness surrounding the job market for PhD's. It was danced around as if the amount of jobs for PhD's was embarrassing or uncomfortable... and what also really stuck with me was the obvious fact (which I already knew) that having a PhD makes you overqualified for many, many jobs that might otherwise be available to a Masters or B.S. degree. Then when I was eating 'first lunch' today, I saw this in on my floor's message board:



Where others might fail, I will succeed. Feel free to join me if you like, but that's where I'm going. I feel this post has been a success.

Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion!

     The namesake of this post is a quote from the wonderfully dark and introspective film, Donnie Darko. This cult classic, starring Jake Gyllenhaal along with Drew Berrymore, Patric Swazzy, and other notable actors, is one of my all time favorite movies. Besides the unique medium of a psychological thriller to address some very flawed ideals within society, this film provides a unique adventure, or at the very least involves common motifs in an idiosyncratic fashion. While many quotes from this movie give me pause and beg me to contemplate them in depth and with sincerity, this 'very-funny-to-me-in-context' quote has been making the seen quite a lot today. Here is a clip from youtube of the quote from the movie, with a little bit of context surrounding it:



     Most of the time, I feel the strong urge to quote this (in the similar grating, melodramatic style of Beth Grant), when somebody remarks with uncertainty or the word "sure" in regards to one of my ideas or propositions for adventure. Today however, I felt as if I was on the receiving end, and the expression I felt my face making each time was just like that of Mary McDonnell here- what I would describe as shock spliced with regret face spliced with defeat face.
     *Just to point out as an aside, notice in the clip above the masterful subtlety of the score as Mrs. Darko begins to offer reasoning against going on the trip. "I don't know kitty, it's a bad weekend."As the words leave her mouth, an eerie tone faintly enters the scene, very cleverly foreshadowing. Back to me.

     While this conversation is very humorous for many reasons, more specifically to those who have seen the film in its entirety, likely many times over like myself, when I have heard it today it has been with an overlaying tone of seriousness as well as that sense of foreshadowing I alluded to. This leaves me to think, "Am I committed to Sparkle Motion?" In truth, not particularly. But here now, perhaps that is not the point. So, I think of when today that popped into my head. ::strains for memories of today::... it seems so far away. Still, as I examine the larger, more substantial parts of my day individually, I think there is a theme- in every distinct activity I can remember the feeling of dread, followed by determination. This leads me to believe that, for such a change in attitude, something must have encouraged, if not catalyzed this transformation. Could it be here that I was barraged with judgment as to my commitment? Well, yes.
     I will leave it at this: Commitment must not be overshadowed by means nor end, but rather strengthened by the genesis for which it is consummated. Be assured that an end will be achieved, and the means will make you stronger, but the commitment comes from the heart of purpose.